There seems to be a general, if not widely acknowledged, rule that says If you re not adept at playing sports you should at least come across as if you understand them.
It s all about participation of one kind or another, you see, and if you lack the physical prowess, coordination and competitive nature that are all necessary requirements for successful sportsmanship then becoming knowledgeable, or seeming to be so, will afford you acceptance with fellow enthusiasts. So, while you re not part of the team as such, you re part of a team. And you won t ever have to run, hit a ball with a bat the first time of asking, or score a goal. You can be a sports enthusiast from the comfort of your armchair or while driving your car.
There are key things you will need to do if you re thinking of becoming a sports enthusiast:
Step 1. Pick which team, in your chosen sport or sports that you propose to support. You might choose a football team, say, from your home state, or a baseball team simply because you like their team colors. It really doesn t matter about the reasons for your choice. When you ve chosen your team or teams, stick with them (why will become apparent when you read Step 2). This applies also to any individual players you have decided to champion.
Step 2. Practice the art of over zealousness. It s not difficult this simply means that if someone disagrees with you about the worthiness of your chosen team or player you must react in a way that lets them know you mean business. An icy stare, or an angry look will work well in most cases and if you re up to rambling on passionately about why your team is the best, go ahead. If you can, cry. And for good measure a little stamping of the feet might be thrown in.
Step 3. Become adept at talking with seeming authority about things you know little about. Learn to sound like an expert, and behave like one, especially when you are giving commentary on opposing teams to your own. Develop a knowing look and when observing play of any sport on TV, shake your head, tut a bit. Make comments about the manager s decision to sign so and so. That sort of thing.
If the above seems too complicated, or you re nervous about your supposed expertise being questioned you could always consider becoming a connoisseur of sports that people know little about. Unreal sports, fictional games, such as those that feature in novels, are ideal. Imagine for example being able to say, when asked which football or basketball team you support, Oh, I don t really follow conventional games, I m a Brockian Ultra Cricket buff and Escalator Squash devotee.
Unless you re talking to a fan of The Hitchhiker s Guide to the Galaxy or someone familiar with Aldous Huxley s Brave New World then you re very likely going to cause bafflement. This is a good thing. When it doubt, confuse. That way you ll be in with a sporting chance.
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